It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
