if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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