I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
