Your dad touched me again.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
