You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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