dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
