that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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