So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
