guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
