i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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