I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My liver just had a heart attack.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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