Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
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