his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
