My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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