I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
