Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
