Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dicks are not precious.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
