I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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