Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
