And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
