We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
