I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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