I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
