"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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