I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
