she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My ass is underappreciated
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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