you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
