I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
