Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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