Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
