i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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