You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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