Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize