Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
