I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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