remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize