you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
