Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
