I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
