I hate your face
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How does it feel to date your dad?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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