Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
