New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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