I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Randomize
