a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
