we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
