I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
