woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
