I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
