Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He? As in you personified your dick?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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