By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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