she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
