Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
