no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
