I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
