Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
