I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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